


Limerence and Toska

by CuriousRebel



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, Prison, Sad, Separation, Wedding, saying goodbye
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-25
Updated: 2017-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-26 20:15:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9920636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CuriousRebel/pseuds/CuriousRebel
Summary: Robert and Aaron struggle to bear being torn apart so soon after their wedding.





	

It has been an hour since their wedding party began to wrap up, and Aaron feels a twang in his chest as Adam and Victoria leave, their arms around each others waists. 

He wants that. More than he could ever commit to words. He wants that first year of blissful marriage, when people see you together and can tell that you haven't been tied together for long. He wants to reach their first anniversary and look back on the year with a smile. He wants to go through the wedding album that Diane has promised to put together for them, teasing his husband about his crooked tie or his overly sweet gestures.

Aaron has always struggled to bring his feelings out in his voice or to put them down in ink, but Robert brings them so close to the surface that they often bubble over and he is able to garble a few words about what he feels. Robert always knows what he means. Somehow.

He remembers sliding that wedding ring onto Robert’s finger and watching his fiancé’s face glow like a rising sun and he aches to go back in time and erase his jealousy and his actions towards Kasim.

When he thinks of the stretch of time – maybe months, maybe years – that he will be away for, cut off from his family, his mother, his sister, his husband, and it is enough to tempt him towards absconding.

But then he thinks of Andy and how Robert worries silently for him, and constantly takes the chance to fight for his return and he cannot bear the thought of it. At least if he's in prison, Robert will know where he is and that he's okay. If he is okay, that is.

He swallows thickly at what he knows about prison life and almost jumps when a pair of arms slide around his waist, and two hands cradle themselves flat against his stomach.  
Robert presses his cold nose against his neck, then whispers,  
“Aaron Sugden has quite a nice ring to it, don't you think?”  
Aaron scoffs, welcome for the distraction and comfort of his husband,” I reckon Robert Dingle sounds better.”  
Robert tenderly kisses the skin just above his collar and doesn't disagree.   
“I don't want you to go.” Robert repeats, after a few moments of silence, almost as if he didn't mean to. Aaron's throat feels to swell in on itself as he feels his other half begin to cry into his neck. He twists his head to press a kiss to Robert’s temple, then turns in his arms and clings to his lapels, too desperate to pay attention to where he aims his lips, kissing his husband on the eyelid, the bridge of his nose, the line of his jaw.  
Robert’s breath ghosts warm and shaky across his face, pushing the reality of losing this, losing him back to the front of his thoughts. His heart almost feels to give out and his lungs seem to expand too much, aching as if they are trying to push through his ribs.

He thinks of how he was Robert’s little secret during the affair, then his enemy after the shooting, then his boyfriend after Gordon's trial, and his fiancé after the crash and finally his husband after his jealousy over Rebecca.  
He wonders briefly what that will make them after he comes home from prison. Forever each other's?   
He hopes so. 

Robert begins to shake against him, and he pulls him close, so close that they are sharing oxygen. He will miss this. He will miss it so much that he will hardly be able to stand it. He knows.

Robert suddenly speaks, and it is so heartbreaking, to hear him crying, that Aaron is almost glad that whilst he is in prison he will never have the chance to see Robert crying, then he regrets the thought and listens closely to what his husband is saying.  
“I love you. So much, Aaron. You know, don't you? Just- Just don't go away for too long, please? I don't want you to go.” Aaron does not think that Robert realises that the pub is empty, and the fact that he is willing to say this with potentially anyone to hear is like a blow to the stomach. He is speaking quickly and desperately, as if policemen are waiting outside the doors to take him away right now.  
“Don't ever think that I'm not thinking of you, okay? I'll think of you every second of every day, okay?”   
“Robert.” Aaron says firmly,” I love you, too. And you know I don't want to leave you.” Aaron stops to collect himself so that he doesn't end up crying like Robert is,” But we have to get on with it, yeah? Because if we think too much about it, the time’ll drag on. But if we get on, it'll fly, alright? I'll miss you so much, you soft lad.”  
Their foreheads come together, like a natural resting stance, and they are silent again.  
“I love you.” Robert says calmly, quietly, like an apology for being weak.  
“And I love you.” Aaron says back, like it is stupid of Robert to apologise for such a thing.  
“We’ll be okay, right?” Aaron questions, this time sounding unsure.  
Robert nods against him.  
“Right.” He replies, taking strength from all that Aaron has said.

They go to bed that night, and they show each other what they feel, and they sleep as if they were one, twined like branches in the wind.

The next day, when they say goodbye, they have to pull away sharply so as not to cling to each other for too long. They replay their marital promises from the previous day in their heads, and they promise to return to each other's sides soon.

When Chas sets off, Aaron cries a little at the sudden feeling of separation that has now become all too real for him, but his mother does not mention it, and he is grateful.  
When Liv notices Robert taking a drink from a bottle of brandy, attempting to stifle the cut sensation of separation, she does not mention it, and he is grateful.

When the judge sentences him to twelve months, the court room spins a little, and Aaron has to hold on to the metal railings for a minute before being taken down from the stand.  
When Chas informs him of Aaron's sentence, Robert goes a little dizzy and he almost has to brace himself against the bar before sitting down to a very strong drink.

When Aaron gets into his new bed for the first time that night, he has to cling to his pillow in order to feel less alone, and attempt not to think about way his husband’s arms used to feel   
around him.  
When Robert settles into bed that night, he pulls Aaron's pillow close, to try and feel close to him, then fights off the thoughts off his husband’s warm embrace. 

And when they first set eyes on each other when Robert visits, they both know instantly that they will have to stifle their affectionate feelings and stop their loving words and go without warm touches, because otherwise they would not be able to be torn away from each other again.

**Author's Note:**

> For anyone who is wondering about the title, 'limerence' means to be infatuated with another person and 'toska' means to pine for something or to experience spiritual anguish.


End file.
